Like most leaders, I’ve experienced episodes of severe loneliness while at the helm.
Whether it was for real or just a feeling is debatable. Still, I can see how loneliness can eventually plunge leaders into self-doubt and failure.
Some leaders expect and embrace that loneliness.
After all, isn’t this just a side effect of any role with power? It brings much pressure, scrutiny, limited peers to confide in, and much information to keep confidential.
However, the problem is that if not careful, leadership loneliness can deepen into isolation.
The leaders in charge then feel they’re neither understood nor accepted. Trust is lost.
They end up missing critical feedback loops with the team, the customers, the market, and it all goes downhill.
Not good when you know that an isolated leader has an outsized negative impact on the rest of the organization.
So, how should you handle loneliness as a leader?
Here are three principles I learned through the years:
1- Master a distorted reality
First, I’ve learned to deal with reality distortion and accept that being a leader increases the chances of being misinterpreted and misunderstood.
It’s human nature: your every move, mood, what you say, and what you don’t.
It’s all going to be scrutinized and exacerbated.
But it doesn’t mean you should stick to a pedestal and do nothing about it.
It means you’d better establish the right “contract” with your team instead to reach excellence together.
Here’s how:
2 – Establish vulnerability-based trust
Patrick Lencioni, the author of “The Five Dysfunctions of a Team,” captured it best. The notion of this second principle is that you can’t both put your energy into doing your best job and trying to protect yourself. You need to choose one.
So for you and your team to do your best job, you have to be unequivocally clear that anyone’s shortcomings, fears, and even failures won’t be used against them.
It has to be mutual. It can feel very uncomfortable, but that’s the only way to build genuine trust.
3 – Build mutual accountability
Third, you need to create clear standards for performance and behavior in your team. As importantly, every team member has to commit and hold each other accountable to meet those standards.
It’s not easy, especially when you care personally about team members and don’t want to damage your relationship.
But if you stick to these standards and accept some uncomfortable conversations when things go off, everyone will win.
So, yes, leading can feel lonely. You know you cannot share everything and that challenges with your team will often feel unsolvable.
But, accepting the reality of skewed perspectives and establishing clear mutual accountability and genuine trust will go a long way in addressing your self-doubts and lack of objective feedback.
You might still have things you cannot share with your team that you need to talk through. Then, consider real peer executives or people who have been there. In that case, the option of an executive coach makes much sense.
And if you ever come to a point where you feel stuck, reach out to The Product Sherpa. I’ll be happy to help you connect the dots.