How Brandon Made Peace With Debates and Disagreements

I’ve been writing a few times about the nuances in how French people handle conflicts or diverging views compared to Americans.

I’m saying nuances because universal human nature often takes precedence over cultural differences when it comes to disagreements. And many people struggle with that.

Let me share what happened with one of my coworkers, Brandon, whenever I openly disagreed with him.

When a discussion didn’t go his way, it felt like an attack on his identity. He took it very personally.

Brandon was stuck in “right vs. wrong” debates. Soon, every shared idea turned into a personal crusade for him. He was not the kind who “agreed to disagree.” Brandon kept ruminating and overthinking why others could not see his point of view.

As a result, his support of our decisions was non-committal at best. Brandon was the first to throw me the famous “I told you so” whenever a project failed.

I had to get him to stop torpedoing our efforts. But how could I help Brandon see the value of diverse viewpoints and reduce bias in our decision-making?

Here’s how we approached it with Brandon and the whole team:

1. Ideas vs. Identity

Brandon struggled with criticism of his ideas. So, we built a mantra for him.

It went like this: you’re not your idea, so share it without fear. Rejection is an opportunity to update your belief system, and it’s always better to know than assume.

With practice, Brandon started to spend more time seeking honest feedback from others involved.

2. A Clear Intent

Brandon tended to keep things close to the vest when disagreeing and rarely recognized what was positive in others’ ideas. It made for misleading interpretations as we tried to second-guess where he was coming from.

A straightforward framework helped Brandon clarify his intent. In it, Brandon first had to state how his opinion-sharing would help the debate. Then, he had to point out the pros and cons of the idea he disagreed with.

3. Inquiring Into Conflict

Instead of settling for his view of reality, Brandon had to practice active listening and let go of judgment whenever a conflict arose.

The key questions we asked Brandon to keep on top of his mind gravitated around why his viewpoint was so important to him, why other people thought the way they did, and what he could learn from their perspective.

4. Reframing Disagreement

Despite all the positive debates, if a discussion led to a decision Brandon still didn’t agree with, I invited him to clarify his position firsthand.

It would happen if he stated his understanding of the final decision and asked any clarifying questions. From there, Brandon could re-emphasize what he still considered wrong, but most importantly, he could respect that decision.

5. Committing the Right Way

Whenever we reached a decision, this was the team’s new reality, and Brandon, like all of us, had to adapt to it, no matter how much he disagreed.

So, instead of having him nod an elusive sign of support, I got Brandon to explicitly state what he committed to do in light of that decision. It wouldn’t stop there. Brandon also had to seek the same input from others and discuss the best approaches to make the decision successful.

This step was crucial for ensuring the decision’s successful implementation.