It’s 1973. I’m a happy and innocent seven-year-old boy living in Mordelles, a small town near Rennes in Brittany, France.
I couldn’t be more excited that day; I’m about to watch my hero’s latest animated adventure movie, “Tintin et le lac aux requins.”
And for the first time, I’m on my own at the “Cinéma Jeanne d’Arc,” the local movie theater. Yes, I know, you could do “crazy” things in the seventies as a child, like going alone to the movies!
Sadly, I won’t enjoy a single minute of it.
Three bullies sit right behind me, throwing candy wrappers at me, blowing in my ears, and even pinching me.
Should I fight, flee, or freeze?
After quickly considering my options and the fully packed room, I flee the scene.
I’ll never see the end of that movie. I decided to avoid a high-risk fight and moved on.
We’re all conditioned by our environment and early experiences. This unfortunate event at the theater impacted my approach to conflicts – even milder and less abusive ones – in the years that would come.
Fast forward to 2022.
I recently joined a conflict disruption presentation at Santa Cruz Works led by Laura Kasper. I liked it. She was able to put words on what I had intuitively done over the years.
Like me, Laura is of the opinion that conflicts are co-created, and the best way to handle them starts with self-responsibility.
Let me explain.
When a conflict emerges, we tend to think the other party is the only one causing it. But like it takes two to tango, you have your share of responsibility too, and it’s up to you to enter conflict mode or not.
So, trying to control or change others’ approach to conflict is useless. They have their baggage and influences. The only one you have absolute control over changing is yourself.
But what about these emotional reactions you feel when under attack? Aren’t they coming from the other party?
Yes, the other party triggers such emotions, but these feelings are yours. They intertwine with your history and personality, and it’s 100% your responsibility.
Once you’re past any initial emotional reaction, you have complete control and responsibility over your behaviors. It’s up to you to translate these feelings into your action of choice.
So, to address conflicts effectively, practice self-responsibility and start with what you can control: YOU.
There’s a plethora of techniques you can use to reach what Laura Kasper calls radical self-responsibility. They range from meditating, to understanding your self-worth, to active listening and feeling-based feedback.
The bottomline is that, as you endorse self-responsibility early on, it helps you better assess what the most adapted behavior is between constructive “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions.
Remember, though: if it ever comes to becoming an abusive situation, don’t try to negotiate or practice empathy.
Your only two options then are to walk away – like I did in that movie theater in the seventies – or fight back as hard – and legally – as possible.
OK, let me go now and resume at last “Tintin et le lac aux requins” where I left it about fifty years ago. Tintin, here I come!